The Metro, one of my favourite papers (The Onion is another), has wonderfully random stories disguised as journalism.
One as I recall, was about an artist who made faces out of toilet paper rolls. No joke. Really though, I can’t think of a single joke.
There are others, like this:
The highlight was the comment, below the story;
Whilst walking my dog through some woods near my house last year, I tripped and fell down a very steep hill, hitting my head at the bottom and losing consciousness. I awoke in a daze and couldn’t find my dog. I stumbled home, but when I arrived things weren’t right. The house had changed and I was greeted by strangers. Not long after this, I was placed in an institution for youngsters where I was analysed. I kept hearing a strange voice calling my name, so I decided to investigate. I found a weird looking spaceship, which strangely let me climb aboard. Off we went, travelling the country, in the skies and under the sea. My alien friend; Max, taught me the meaning of life and not to take things at face value. After a lengthy travel, Max took me back to my family, where we got into a boat and laughed. I even hugged my little brother who I’ve hated since the day he was born. I understand that this sounds like the plot to Flight of The Navigator, but it’s true.”
They had another article that I found very compelling. It was apparently about a rising case of a weird patterning on people’s legs. Toasted Skin Syndrome they called it.
When I first saw this on my leg, (I didn’t notice for ages) I immediately googled skin cancer. Then I checked every link. I didn’t learn much, go to the doctor for clarity the links said. So then I went to the doctor.
The doctor was very fascinated by my pattern and called in another doctor to examine me.
I felt odd sitting there being prodded, while not wearing any pants. (by which I mean trousers, not underwear. I rarely go to the doctors commando) This is why I’ve never visited a gynecologist.
I asked them if I had skin cancer. Should I make out a will? What about my wife and children?
Then they asked me if I had a heater. No I say. Do I have a laptop? Yes, yes. Do I sit with it on my lap sometimes? Hmmm yes I think so? For long hours? I guess. Is 4 hours considered long? Yes.
It was just my laptop battery inflaming the veins on my leg.
Which it is doing even as I type.