Sick of Strange faces? Just Looking For Screw? You Came To Right Place.

I’ve decided I’m going to start collecting spam.

I can’t help it, collecting is in my blood!

Subject: Cool I’ve taken a camera to my vicious nude ice-cream party

Howdy, cowboy!
Sultry weekend days always make me do thrilling ideas.
Last weekend I arranged an ice-cream party and invited my hottest roommates to enjoy.
After a couple of vodka shots we were eating ice-cream out of each others’ bikini delicate parts!
I cannot stop sharing the most fascinating photographs with you!
View my profile to spot me doing dirty things.

What’s with the word ‘fascinating’? Nearly every second spam email I get has the word ‘fascinating’ or ‘thrilling’ in it. I wonder if spammers have a large whiteboard up with a word of the month.

Maybe they set themselves themes.

“Ok guys, now for the next batch I want a summer themed set of spam letters.

Nude girls, ice-cream, bikinis, vodka shots, swimming in the river. Got it?

Word of the month – ‘fascinating’. Use it frequently. Stats show that people love the word ‘fascinating. Open rates of spam emails with the word ‘fascinating in them are 5% over the average. Now make me proud boys, make me proud.”

I do want to go to that ice-cream party even though I don’t approve of food on delicate parts.

The hygiene, the stickiness, the hair. Oh no no.

Ice-cream in a chocolate cone? (Gelato….mmmmmm) Oh yes yes.

Two Sailor Lads… I’m not saying anything…

Subject: Are you sick of boring rendezvous instead of kinky screw?

Go check out for yourself and you’ll wonder how many kinky babes want screw while their hubby is not at home.
The site is just for people like us who are sick of looking at the strange faces and just look for screw.

People are strange when you’re a stranger …something something something boring rendezvooooooouuzz, let’s go look for scrrrreeeeew!

I don’t like looking at strange faces. This is why I rarely go out.

Subject: Like nice girls or like vicious gals?

What’s your mood today, lover?
Looking for love and cuddling or probably you are waiting for a
super steamy hookup which leads to a very satisfying and extremely one-time relationship?
That could perhaps evolve into something with time?
Let me tell you this, I can be all of these things.
I’m really changeable! Forget all this matchmaking stuff, you gotta see me, I’ve got very stunning photographs right here in my profile.
write me and we’ll take it from there!

My mood is mildly hung over with a touch of grouch. How are you pumpkin pants?

Vicious or cuddling? Vicious or cuddling? Hmmmm I think I want a vicious lover. Someone who will gnaw my ear violently in a PSYCHOTIC RAGE and then bite my nose off. Like some scene from a horror movie.

They should put this stuff up on Shaadi.com.

Someone had tied balloons on all the railings, not just this carriage, but as far as I could see, down the next 2 carriages as well.

Subject: Have you viewed my erotic photos?

Hello, I believed you and I got on well and after I sent you those erotic pictures I believed you would be back in touch with me. Didn’t you like them?
Anyway sexy it is my account send me your profile and you and I can hook up.
I can be much wickede than you’ve seen on that pics, they were not as glowing as I do have lol.
Wanna see you here shortly

WELL YOU BELIEVED WRONG BABY! Listen, I just wanted to see your dirty photos. HAH!

Not like, talk. Come on. LOL right back at you byatch! I’m glowing now! I don’t need YOU to glow!

Portobello Electric

Subject: I falter to say but I dream see of casual dates…

Something like quick slaming in the car or pool sex…

I’m not too fastidious about males so just write me a message and lets have some delight!

Oops! Can’t thatI said it!

I can’t imagine slamming in a car is much of a delight. This one needs to be read out in a falsetto and an accent. I read this out to the ex and couldn’t stop laughing.

Oops! Can’t that I said it either! (I’m easily amused)

Daily Bible Quotes For you, check now !

Please click the ‘Display images below’ button above to display the full message!!!

Now for something totally different…vice isn’t your thing? How about some of that God we keep hearing about so much.

Subject: Me and my horniest roommate on the beach playing little mermaids
From: Magdalena Poindexter

Hi, big boy! The weather was dull and gloomy yesterday,
and many people spent their weekend at home frying sausages in their gardens.
But my bad friend and I went to the beach for having a good stroll in the wash waves.
The place was totally empty, that is why we made a fantastic naked photoset of two Little mermaids.
I have just uploaded most stunning photos for you right here!
See my profile and contact me online in a chat – we shall talk about some finest moments.

You see?? I’m right! It’s a summer theme! BBQ, wash-waves, good strolling and it paints such a vivid picture of red-headed women with scales instead of genitals. Hot!

Angel Lights

Subject: My very first visit to the nudist area with my hottest friend

Howdy, boy! As you remember I had a naughty dream of going to a nudist beach one day.
I love tanned skin but I find tan lines unbearable.
Well, it was the most thrilling experience.
Many men had an instant hardon when I took off closes and spread my limbs in the sun.
Visit my profile, I have some new ardent photos there!
Enjoy them and drop me a line how do you like them!

I have a phobia of taking of my closes for this exact reason.

I love the idea also of instant hardons. Like ‘Doooooiiinnnnnggggg!” and up it pops. Like a jack-in-the-box.

Angel wet pavement

Subject: Dearest One,
From: Madam Alimata Raja

Dearest One,

I am Madam Alimata Raja I am a widow being that I lost my husband,my husband Late Mr Raja Sule was a serving director of the Cocoa exporting board until his death. He was assassinated by the rebels following the political uprising, before his death he made a deposit of Six Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars ($6,500,000.00USD) here in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso in one of the Security Company, he intended to buy a Cocoa processing Machine with the fund.I want you to help me for us to retreive this fund and transfer it to your account in your country or any safer place as you will be the beneficiary and recipient of the fund which we will use for joint investment in your country.I have plans to do investment in your country, like real estate and industrial production. This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you are willing to assist me and my only Daughter Linda Raja ,indicate your interest by replying urgently

Thanks and best regards .

Madam Alimata Raja

Ah! I’ve missed these so much.

This is the ‘traditional’ more or less what I would consider the conservative style of spam letters/emails. The intricate sob-story plus the promise of great reward for a good deed.

I like the phrasing of this one too. The repetition of the word ‘husband’ in the opening sentence in particular pleases me. It’s almost poetic in its rhythm.

“I am Madam Alimata Raja I am a widow being that I lost my husband, my husband Late Mr Raja Sule”

I also enjoy the totally casual way the daughter was dropped in just at the close. That and I like to say ‘Ouagadougou Burkina Faso’ really fast.

Heh. Ouagadougou.

(I told you I was easily amused.)

Now for some more miscellaneous photos.

2 adorable enthu cutlets

Another adorable Enthu Cutlet

Blue Trees sketch. Though I’d just toss that one in here.

Stralling Nude Through The City. Yes I said Stralling. It Isn’t A Typo.

Don’t you love spam? I do.

I’ve had a growing temptation to reply to some of these. Just imagine the correspondence!

I want to know more. As I have mentioned before, I enjoy the story telling aspect.

“Hey do you remember the time when..”

No but tell me more stuff I ought to remember.

Subject: My new piquant collection of photos outside the city
From: Migdalia Meeks

Howdy, dude!
I have been dreaming to have a bare skin collection of photos outside the city for almost a fortnight.
Now I have several hot pictures showing me wearing my most fascinating lingerie
by the picturesque river and stralling all naked outside the city.
It is wonderful! I am so happy and I wish to know what you say about my pics.
Please, Write me right in my profile any time!

If only life was like this. Women sending ‘Bare skin’ photos in fascinating lingerie to random men, while ‘stralling’ all naked outside a city.

I love to strall myself.

Apparently some woman rode the NYC subway yesterday wearing only a pair of knee-high boots. The newspaper report said she was happy to pose for photos. In the very next sentence they mentioned that people were trying to locate her. The article was suitably vague about why they wanted to find her. Punishment or praise do you think? My bet is on the latter.

Subject: You have just received a new message from Bella
From: Aiko Edvige

My mate told me that I could quickly locate a man in my neighbourhood for casual dates without any responsibility.
This is precisely what I desire!
It’s my account

I’m disappointed in you Bella. What happened to no sex before marriage? What about Edward?? I thought he was ‘the one’.

Listen Bella, you can’t escape responsibility. Sooner or later we must all bear the consequences of our actions. You can’t just be a Trampire forever.

Also why are you calling yourself ‘Aiko’ Bella, make up your mind. Pick an identity and stick with it. It’s confusing.

Subject: Make her shameful dating passions done
From: Nola Tino

Browse your nearby partner pix and vids and hook up with her today

Make her shameful passions done what? What’s done? Who’s been done. That sentence wraps itself around my brain like an octopus. Shameful dating passions done. All those words almost make sense.

Baffling.

Subject: I decided to be a bad girl tonight, sweetheart! View my latest nude pics and vids right now
From: Celsa Andree

I still remember you from that dirty evening we spent all alone.
Do you remember how mind-blowing and fantastic it was?
I still have videos in my profile where I have on that tiny black dress.
It was the best time ever – bright, desirable and great.
Come on, see my profile and you will recollect every trifle. Contact me as soon as possible!

HI…umm… I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t remember you. You must have the wrong person.

Really? Are you serious? We had such a wonderful time – It was so mind-blowing. I mean, I don’t recollect a lot of the trifles due to the medication I was on, but it was really great!! Don’t you recollect my trifles?

No, no I’m sorry, I really don’t remember any trifles. I really do think you have the wrong person.

Come on! How could you forget? I mean, Didn’t it MEAN ANYTHING to you? DON”T YOU CARE????

Uh…..

YOU SAID I WAS SPECIAL! YOU SAID I WAS THE ONE!! FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! I HOPE YOUR COCK ROTS AND FALLS OFF!! JERK!!! GO TO HELL.

Oh hey!… I do remember now…

The photos below are not related to this post. (Tentatively you could say the people behind spam are like spiders spinning intricate webs, just throwing out lures and hoping for a bite. But only tentatively. It’s pretty thin stuff.)

In any case I’m ludicrously pleased with this photo. My hand didn’t shake, and each hair on its legs are nice and crisp. (I took 20 photos to get my hand to not shake in just 1. Click on the closeup photo, it to see the tiny hairs on its legs. Exciting stuff.)

And look how golden he is, and so beautifully translucent. Like a drop of honey on a wire. (I told you I was ludicrously pleased with this photo.)

Spider in the Sun

Spider in the Sun – Closeup

The Happy Ending

Near no.2 Soho

I’m trying, well I’m always trying, to manage my time and force myself, even if I’m tired, to sit down when I come home from work and draw.

I’ll admit that for every time I am good and focused there are 3 times that I slip.

The TV is a great allie of mine in this respect.  You can put any old shit on in the background and then keep your nose down and work at the paper.

The best stuff to have on is a cooking show or Friends. The cooking shows are soothing, require little effort of concentration. No story lines, no dialogue demanding attention, maybe except for Nigella’s sexual innuendoes and occasional poetic outbursts eulogizing some ingredient or the other.

Friends is really the most reliable one. (Lately, at least) I know the jokes to nearly every episode. I’ve watched them so many times over the last 10 years that I could go in for a script read and be word-perfect.

But books are really bad for managing the drawing. Even if it’s a book I’ve read 50 times over, by the time I’m right in the middle of it I can’t seem to be able to put it down. I can’t do anything until it’s done.

A new book is possibly the worst thing yet. It becomes all consuming.

Finished reading a book that had me tossing and turning all night, and then later, restless and distracted all day at work.

The start of the book wasn’t promising, or at least, I had this vague dread about the ending. The more I read the more the dread grew. I had this horrible feeling that there would be no good end for any characters I’d grown attached to or no bad end for the characters I hated, and would prefer to stop reading it.

Reading too many Barbara Cartland’s and Heyer’s does that to you. After awhile you only want the happy ending. The happy ending is a great comfort. Nothing bad can really happen if you know the plot by heart and the baddies always get their just deserts.

Cheating by reading the spoiler for the new book on Wikipedia was a constant temptation.

When I finally raced through it, raced through to the end, I felt wound up and shaken, like on a drug.

I had to walk around the flat for about 5 mins. I couldn’t sit down and concentrate. I’ve only just remembered I’ve left my dinner lying stone cold in the microwave. Clean forgot about it.

Does this happen to anyone else? Does a good book just destroy your peace of mind?

Or can you put it down and forget about it easily?

I wish I could.

It’s one minute to 11 pm and I haven’t made one new line on my drawing.

Now I have to go re-heat my fucking dinner. I bet the chicken will be like rubber.

Kitchen Window

An Ode To Beige

After 4 years of complaining about the leopard print couch the ex and I decided we needed a more comfortable, more neutral and less offensively patterned couch.

No lounging fat Bollywood ex-starlet, draped in pink satin, eating rasgullas on our couch! She’d be getting the pointy end of my boot right on her plump backside out the door.

Now it would be a tall Scandinavian, all bony legs and elbows, wearing various shades of soft pastel, sitting compactly and making up an excel spread sheet.

The ex said authoritatively,

“I’m going to hire an interior designer for the living room because I’m too busy and have too many important things to do, to waste time finding a couch.”

I shrugged.

The ex doesn’t do things by halves, I have learned.

So we went couch browsing.

There were many catalogs of minimal sleek modernist furniture, in blacks, creams and various infinitesimally different shades of beige.

You know, people disparage beige so violently. The colour of boredom, symbolic of blandness, of tedium. Such a bad rap.

After 4 years of leopard living I really want some beige. I’m sick of that attention-seeking whore of a fat starlet lounging on my couch.

Naturally, and predictably, the search for the right furnishings began a serious of various heated debates. Heated debates that escalated into

“Well this is MY House! I’ll do what I like! If you don’t like it then you can fucking leave!”

“Fine! Then I’ll leave! If that’s what you want!

“YES!! I’ve told you that’s what I want!!”

“FINE!! But let me just tell you now – I”M NEVER COMING BACK!!”

Cue dramatic and cryptic email to our relationship counsellor at hand, Monty, asking if he knew anyone renting a room.

More tears, more threats, more couches.

It turns out the ‘I have no time to search for couches’ was a blatant misrepresentation. The ex then spent hours and hours debating (with me, who really didn’t want to spend this much thought on a couch) various couches, their merits, the space, the colour, measuring, re measuring and re-measuring the re-measuring.

There was a lot of re-measuring because I have a natural talent for getting numbers wrong and had read out the meters instead of the centimeters. (These things happen. What are you going to do?)

There were lists and more lists, and a list I had to re-write because of aforesaid talent.

Some more shouting, more tears. Even more couches.

We kissed and made up in the show-room of a terribly expensive furnishing place.

The lady selling the couch seemed a little thrown by my arrival and all the dramatic tension.

Luckily the ex loves sellers, and talks for hours to people selling. They get along famously. It’s a match made in heaven. A person willing and eager to shop, the ultimate consumer and a seller who knows her job.

Being a shop with real couches somehow dissipated all the tension. Well partly anyway. There were still whispered “If you want me to leave I’ll go!” statements made over various modernist coffee tables.

We eventually both agreed on a couch and an amazing fold out table that can be levered up and down to a range of heights.

Now the problem of getting rid of our leopard print couches.

After an first failed eBay listing, I had a crisis of confidence. Who in their right mind would buy a leopard print couch?

Let me tell you if you ever find yourself in a similar predicament - People from Essex.

The re-listing went off like a shot. The ex even sold the second couch privately. The Essex people came to pick up the couches. They sang its praises.

“My daughter saw the couch on eBay, and she said to me, I just have to have them Dad, she said. They are just lovely!”

They seemed surprised that we’d get rid of such quality seating.

I suddenly had this strange rush of pride on behalf of the couches. The couches I’d despised for so long would now be loved in their new home.

A single tear rolled down my cheek.

A belated sense of pride made me tell the man the ex’s mother made the couches in India.

He seemed only nominally interested.

They hoisted the couches into their van.

While I was getting sentimental over the couches and the lovely Essex people who were taking them into their home, the ex was eyeing them suspiciously (I could tell by the narrowed eyes), watching the street from behind the living room net curtains, twitching them back and forth, like some Punjabi Auntie spying on her neighbours children.

“Look at that girl! Haan haan… New boyfriend.”

She will fail exams.

I should not be doing my duty madam, if I do not tell you – Your child is a shameless.

I saw her wearing short skirt,

And talking to boys.”

The ex doesn’t like strangers in the house.

The ex then started checking the money they paid us, note by note to see if they were fakes.

On behalf of these nice people carting our couches off to Essex, I was offended.

The new couch didn’t arrive for a few days and I rather missed those ol’ couches. I felt sudden twinges of guilt now, that I had disparaged them so.

Finally the new couch arrived. Massive, a Goliath. Taking up nearly a quarter of the room. Phenomenally beige.

Ah beige! How you have been missed!

The ex used to sit on one leopard print couch, I on the other.

Now there is no delineation. We loll around on the couch freely, the wind in our hair, not a care in the world.

Goodbye old couches! May you enjoy your Essex home in the country.

Now the ex and I just need to agree on couch cushions.

The Old Sofa – We used this photo on eBay.

The New Couch. So unstained, so virginal. How long will it last?

View from the doorway. The table will soon follow. I’m not allowed to sit on it without a cover. Ever.

Public Post To The Man Who Cannot Aim His Pee

Angry message to the man who doesn’t / can’t or just wont lift the seat and then peed all over it.

I know who you are.

I saw you walking away quickly from the scene of the crime.

Don’t tell me you were walking that fast because you had an “important meeting”.

I KNOW a hit and run when I see one.

I’ve had the misfortune of walking into a loo just after you’ve done your filthy little business,

I’M LODGING A COMPLAINT YOU FUCK!!

The history of the Loo I did ages and ages ago for a magazine in Bombay. I never got the final print so I don’t have the copy that should be inserted in-between the piping. Boo hiss.

The Blue Pill Sunglasses

Sketch Book – Mask Pencil

It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I had my eye surgery. The patient, (that’s me) is meant to wear sun glasses for the first week, especially when outside.

Technically you can take them off after a week, but I find my eyes ache after many hours of staring at a computer screen, so I’ve taken to wearing them in the office.

I vary the range of my cheap, shitty, usually scratched, plastic sunglasses.

Some days it’s the pink ones (Hot pink, bee-like, the edges encrusted with diamante. Unholy things.) on others it’s my large yellow heart ones and more recently, a donated pair of fake blue and white Raybans.

One of the bosses at work protested at the yellow heart sunglasses. He couldn’t take me seriously, he said.

At first wearing sunglasses indoors made me feel rather dickish.

I’d apologise and explain, aware that some people would regard me with the same disdain I’ve regarded many a skinny-jean garbed louche who dared to wear sunglasses indoors. (and during an even less forgiving mood, wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day)

But once I got used to the idea of being rather dickish, (surprisingly quick turn around time getting used to dickishness) I confess I rather enjoyed it.

In the middle of the night especially. The is something deliciously twattish about wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night.

It’s like you’ve just arrived jet-lagged from a drug fuelled party with Pete Doherty and other sunglass wearing ponces on their private plane.

Having a justifiable medical reason to do it is just the chat masala on top of a juicy kala khatta gola.

Leo came over last friday and we spent a mellow couple of hours re-watching The Matrix: analysing, decoding, nit-picking. Generally tearing it to pieces. A pleasurable late night, post-dinner activity. (I’m taking a little detour around my sunglasses story, bear with me.)

I’ve noticed that at one point in the movie, Morpheus calls Neo, opening the call with

“This line is tapped, so I’ll be brief…”

And then immediately goes on to say,

“If they knew what I knew, you’d be dead… You’re the one Neo.”

Don’t fucking say that shit on a tapped line you fool!

He then tells Neo and any informant listening exactly where to meet his rebel crew.

In fact his entire conversation is exactly what not to say on a tapped line.

1. Mention you have a secret
2. Then give out that secret
3. Give out your location and time you’ll be at that location.

Jeez Morpheus.

Also why didn’t he just code Neo a magical phone that isn’t fucking tapped (like when he FedEx’s a phone to Neo’s office), or just message him on his computer?

Sketch Book – Mask Stage 2

Over the years of re-watching the Matrix (every time it’s on the TV, which is often, I’m compelled to leave it on.) I’ve often oscillated back and forth on the red-pill-blue-pill issue.

Leo usually humours me when I bring this up, (and I bring it up frequently, because for some reason it’s perpetually on my mind) since The Matrix 1 seems to be particularly of our generation.

So which pill would we choose? The Red or the Blue?

When I was a teen I remember watching the movie for the first time in the cinema with the girly jing that I hovered around back then,

After the movie ended one of the girls said

“I don’t know why he would take the red pill. I’d have taken the blue one.”

I immediately doused her with a massive bucket of scorn.

“Ugh! You’d take the blue pill? That’s SO lame! How can you possibly take the blue pill? Don’t you want the truth??”

Said with all the absolute conviction and derision that any teen worth their salt can muster.

I was so sure the red pill was the only pill worth taking.

Now as I’ve grown older, when I think about that girl’s statement I can’t fucking imagine why anyone would take the red pill. The real world is a pile of shit. Given the choice now, I’d prefer the blue pill.

But then each time I watch the movie from the start I agree with my obnoxious teenage self and think

“I’ll take the red pill. Of course I would. I want to be in control of my destiny!”

but if I watch the movie from somewhere in the middle it’s

“Nah, I’d take the blue. Dreams are nice.”

So I’ve developed some theories about the movie, the pill dilemma and why this circular thought process keeps happenening :

(again, bear with me, or if you prefer, skip to the bottom. I put a drawing up from my sketch book.)

Besides the philosophical aspects of the dream vs the truth I’ve come to the conclusion that the way Morpheus grooms Neo in the first 20/30 mins of the movie makes it virtually impossible to not take the red pill.

These are Morpheus’s grooming tactics:

He didn’t tell Neo it would be a bunch of garbage in the real world.

He says “The Matrix it can’t be explained, you have to see it for yourself”, when he could have quite easily said, “Look it’s a bit shit – It’s dark, robots keep trying to kill us and the food is terrible.” but he doesn’t.

Then he says, as a caveat, so Neo can’t later say “Fuck dude! You fucking groomed me!”  - “I’m only offering the truth nothing more.”

So really, Morpheus is like a sex offender.

He first speaks to Neo online, they develop a trust, then he builds on that trust.

He wants to meet, and takes Neo to some random run-down building in the middle of nowhere. (Classic.)

Then he coaxes Neo to take a drug.

What options did poor little Neo have? He was like a confused virgin with an internet pervert.

But aside from my take on The Matrix, I watched the entire movie wearing sunglasses on, lounging waaaay back in the sofa, like I had rubber-bendy bones and was in some sort of coma.

Every time I take my sunglasses off now I’m offended by the bright glaring harshness of everything. That fucking red-pill.

I know I’m going to have to stop sooner or later, but a part of me really wants to hang on to wearing sun-glasses 24/7.

Maybe it’s some compensation mechanism for not having glasses anymore.

Maybe I miss my glasses.

I would SO definitely eat the blue pill.

Mask – Final

WordPress Tag: Blog Nominations

So this seems to be a WordPress game of ‘tag’.

The clinically lazy, somewhat anti-social part of me wants to say thank you for the nomination and then not have to do anything.

(Like tag, if you get tagged you have to tag a bunch of people starting with the person who tagged you.)

But the enthu cutlet part of me has decided to play. In fact I got nominated before for something, but I can’t remember what. I’m going to roll that nomination into this one.

I always liked tag.

Me and the neighbour would gang up on my brother.

He was always ‘it’, poor bastard.

Here are the Rules of WP Tag:

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.

Here you go. (Funny blog)

Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.

Christ.

I masturbate when bored. (That’s why I’m so glad I never have to read an ISCE text-book ever again. This also explains why my MA thesis was such a failure.)

Is that the kind of information you want? Can that hefty chunk count as all 7?

What if I told you I started at 10? Probably earlier. I had no idea what I was doing.

I think I’m bored with Barbara Cartland’s now. Or at least, for now.

I’ve decided those 3 mega shares count as 7 combined.

Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.

This one is easy. I’ve chosen largely WordPress blogs. In no-particular order.

1. The Middlest Sister.

Everyone who uses WordPress will come across this brilliant blog-comic at some point. If you havent read it you must. It’s like ‘Little Women’ in cut paper and no one dies. Except maybe a hamster.

2. Bring me the head of David Dixon.

The head of David Dixon Speaks. Another blog comic.

3. Anon & Anon

A good arty farty blog. With lots of great reviews and rants and art stuff. Desi based mostly.

4. Boggleton Drive

Another great comic. Learn how to fix your spelling, punctuation and grammer. Grammar? I’ve learned nothing.

5. The Girl In The Hat

Excerpts and lovely short stories.

6. Moofiate

A fun blog with rants and beautiful gay boy sketches and swearing.

7. Hungry & Excited

A desi food blog with gorgeous photos, unlike most of the food photography blogs out there (Generally soft pastels on white e.g. Soft focus macaroons on rustic kitchen tables and shit. Bored of it.)

8. Charlotte Hu Photography

I love her photographs. Her Secret Cinema post filled me with envy.

9. Draw & Shoot

She draws, she shoots. Well, mostly she shoots. Very sparse and sometimes alien landscapes.

10. Steve McCurry

Die. His photographs. Fuck. So good.  I’m defo not tagging him. He’s a proper professional photographer. Like he cares about this award game.

11. Averil Dean

A writer. Lots of intimate posts. I like intimate.

12. Bizzybiz Blog

I’m obsessed with this blog. She’s reading and reviewing 50 Shades of Grey chapter by chapter, rant by rant.

13. Caitlin Clarkson Illustration

Cute illustrations. Watercolours usually, my bête noir.

14. Illustration Age

Illustration featured daily. Great blog.

15. Lucious Somesuch

I enjoy following this blog because of the insane dedication to a group of Korean pop-star clones in this band called Tara. There are some other Korean bands with nearly identical women in them. I still can’t tell any of them apart. Also the fonts and typesetting are insane. I used to hate the typesetting but it grew on me.

Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

Darn. The problem is most of these blogs are already swimming in awards.

The Middlest Sister (for example) is constantly being awarded awards. I don’t think I need to contact her. She won’t care any more.

She’ll probably be publishing a book soon and then there’s the animated series / movie.

It’ll happen people. It just has to. Her comics are too good.

Here are some photos under the general heading of

“Rain Rain Go Away. Seriously. Fuck.”

Rain Clouds Essex Road

Renaissance Clouds & Windows

Merchants Hall Clouds

Green Park Tube Wet

Deck Chairs & Umbrellas

Neglected Deck Chairs

Neglected Deck Chairs Closer

Ritz Umbrellas

Kings Cross Hotel entrance

Kings Cross Hotel entrance doorman

Wet Road Highbury

The Horror. The Horror.

I just added my Mom to Facebook.

Oh.

Fuck.

It’s the beginning of the end.

The most depressing sign. I think it’s the use of the full stops that makes this so depressing. Something so final about it. And there wasn’t a closing down sale either. It just closed. 

Watercolours And Spam – An Unlikely Combo. Like Surf And Turf.

I enjoy watching spam evolve as old versions of the same grift go out of date.

The whole Nigerian Prince thing is clearly not getting these guys any love.

So now I get random emails from sober sounding names like ‘Joanne Pasqualle’ or ‘ ‘Alison’.

Sometimes they almost look legitimate.

“I need a man’s shoulder! Contact me… please”

My god. What’s she going to do with his shoulder?

Subject: I am positive I! know you! And I have some hot stuff for you. Check out my recent hot photos

Aren’t you the handsome honey with whom we had the most gripping day some time ago?
Remember, I was afraid of swimming in the river and you told me I’d be fine and we had a good time together?
You were single then and I had a jerk of a boyfriend.
We split up long ago and I am free now.
Welcome to my online profile with kinky photos and contact me right now!

See, I really don’t know what penis would fall for this. It’s not like someone reading this would just happen to have had a one-nighter with someone swimming in a river (where the hell is this set anyway?)

“Well I don’t think I ever lived near a river but…hey! she sounds ‘friendly’ I’ll contact her!”

That really can’t be that likely…can it?

From: Rock, Subject: Passionate stud is looked for for a babe romp!

Hello there, well-hung dude! We are wanting a stunningly hot dude
to entertain hens one of these evenings. We are going to a restricted birthday party
and you’ll be the only stud allowed! Join our party

The title of the email and the contents seem rather conflicting. Is the email from a passionate stud looking for-for a babe to romp with? Or is it for a stunning hot dude looking for romping babes? I’m so confused.

I still recollect you from that fascinating day we spent together.
Do you keep in mind how stunning and fantastic it was?
I still have pics in my profile where I have on that stylish black dress.
It was the best time ever n vivid, passionate and carefree.
Come on, see my profile and you will remember every detail. Write me asap!

This one doesn’t even specify what happened on this stunning and fascinating day. It was fascinating. You were fascinated. I was fascinated. It was all stunning. Don’t ask me any more questions, just read the words hot hot sex big penis and reply me asap!

I happened to glance at a friend’s email this one time (…at band camp. Sorry I had to say it. It was in my brain) and it was from a legitimate person they had bonked, who wrote exactly like a spam-bot.

“Lets have sex. You are hot.”

That was pretty much all that was in the email. At the time I was kind of stunned but only now has it dawned on me that this person should really move to Nigeria. They are really wasting their talent and eloquence here.

“Hi, sweetheart.

My name is Allison Howard. I work as a sells manager in a big firm. And now I am looking for intelligent, not silly fellow to chat with some continuation.

I liked your photos and private information about you. That’s why I had an idea to write you. I always sex hungered but I don’t fuck with everyone but only with guys who could impress me. So, you could invite me to go to theatre if you like me too. I wait a message from you, darling?”

Well I’m no silly fellow!  I can chat with continuation (about hungry sex, intelligently even, sure why not.)

I love that ‘big firm’ is left vague. – Just a ‘big firm’. Don’t worry about it. It’s a big firm, I make big money. No problem.

What’s the name of the firm? Oh uh its just called … firm. Big…firm. Look I said don’t worry about it ok?

Anyway I haven’t posted any work up in a while because I’ve been so in love with my camera, I’ve not bothered to scan some new drawings (or finish them up as I promised myself I would! Why??? God why do I procrastinate so much?? Come on! Finish shit!)

Ok pep talk over.

Here is the drawing.

I like to scan the final pencil sketches - in case I botch it up, then I can just print out the sketch and start over.

17th Century Lady Pencil

I bought a small box of water colours the other day for this job I just got. I detest watercolours. They never do what I tell them to. I seriously think I need to stick to dry mediums or acrylic but I really feel this urge to do soft, beautiful watercolours, of cute adorable characters like everyone else is on the internet.

In any case, I’m trying a few test water-colour runs before I tackle the paid job. This was one of them.

I don’t know if I like the colour of her dress or the way the water-colour hasn’t blended nicely. Ugh.

I’m mostly happy with the green bits. Except it turned out to be a rather virulent shade of unnatural green. (But I rather like it still)

I might work her over with a ball-pen. I’m far too controlling for water-colour.

17th Century Lady Watercolour.

Starring: Vasant Dhoble’s Head III

Click here to find out who this ‘Dhoble’ is

Vasant Dhoble’s head continues to float about, looking intolerably smug and generally being a humongous ass.

And although the internet and people on twitter have expressed their rage who the hell knows if anything will come out of it.

“I will be able to register cases for immoral activities in each and every hotel. There is no single discotheque where there are no such activities taking place,”

Dhoble told Hindustan Times in the month of May.

• Vasant Dhoble The cop with the Hockey Stick.

Vasant Dhoble Off Duty.

Dhoble is rounding up all the city strays. They too, have no sense of morality.

Dhoble ke peeche kya hai? (some tedious politician most probably)

Vasant Dhoble’s head flys over Mumbai, looking out for our safety

No sex in the city

Use the cut out head of Vasant Dhoble below to create your very own Vasant Dhoble moment!

Download the PSD file here

Download the PNG here