Door to Door

Today Jehovah’s Witnesses came to my door.

When it comes to door callers I must admit I’m the most susceptible person.

Monty and Anders have banned me from ever talking to any door to door sales people. The last time a guy from TNT knocked on my door and for no reason in particular I signed a piece of paper saying I would switch my phone lines. Maybe I thought if I did he would go away, or maybe it was sunstroke. Who knows?

Of course, the phone lines I switched actually belonged to Monty.

Then when TNT tried to re install the lines with a new set top box, it broke twice, the service man swore at TNT and freaking out I tried canceling my hasty subscription. Three days later, and many hours of calling, first this number then that [like some Jedi mind trick], they finally cancelled the unholy thing.

Now if anyone I don’t know knocks on the door I try and pretend no one’s home. This can be bit tricky, especially if they see me through the kitchen window.

So anyway I was saying…

Jehovah’s Witnesses, it was a first. I had always planned, for some years now, that if a Jehovah Witness ever came to my door I would say,

“So sorry, I’m satanic” or “Sorry, I’m a heathen”.

But when I opened the door [after briefly debating whether I could pretend no one was home, even though I was clearly visible], and she said those immortal words…

“We’ve come to speak to you about family life……we’re Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

…I just couldn’t say it. The words just plain refused to come out of my mouth. Maybe it was her leather bound bible that distracted me. I thought it must be a bible, but at the same time at the back of my mind I was comparing it to the London A-Z. Whatever it was I seemed to have lost my ability to use english.

So, I was about to say

“No thank you I’m a ….Hindu”….., but all I could get out of my mouth was…..

“No, thank you I’m……..not a believer……..I’m……..not….interested. Thank you Goodbye.”

Slammed the door and made some tea. This is what happens when you over prepare yourself for an event. Inevitably it’s a let down.

Or you screw up.


7 thoughts on “Door to Door

  1. dear poor misguided soul, am terribly sad to read about your slight misgivings about the jehovahs witnesses. it seems you maybe slightly misinformed as to our purpose in life.We do not seek to intentionally annoy others, We simply want to spread the word of our lord jehovah to those around us, It just so happens that we find turning up at a complete strangers house,completely unannounced and uninvited as the most opportune,logical and ‘friendliest’ way of trying to introduce people to the words of lord jehovah. And there is no need to try and hinder us by saying you are a ‘hindu’ as we are willing to accept those of all different faiths; providing they are jehovahs witnesses. So next time we pay you a ‘surprise’ visit please do not frown, invite us in with open arms, offer us a cup of tea, possibly even a biscuit or two.And we will simply talk about the Lord jehovah as amicably as only true believers can. Because were not quite the cunts you make us out to be. God Bless you.

  2. have decided to give up commenting as its too patently obvious when its me. the guise of ‘anonymous’ is proving fucking useless.

  3. No man don’t stop! I must admit, your comments are a piece of utter genius.edit: I just failed the word verification procedure. Oh my god, am I a bot? Is that really what I am? I am filled with dread and angst. But then bots don’t suffer from existential angst, so I can’t really be one! HAHA!Okay let’s hope it works this time.

Deranged comments preferred

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