Conspiracy theory numbur too

If anyone has ever bought a Rowntrees fruit-gum or fruit pastille, you must have noticed that the only decent flavors are the reds and blacks. Orange, greens and yellows are to be avoided until desperate.

The problem is that the devious devious money grubbing bastards who produce these heavenly red and black sweets, purposely [and with malicious intent] make SURE that each pack contains JUST A FEW reds/blacks and what seems like an endless amount of yellows greens and oranges. Since I only ever buy it for the red and black flavors I’m forced to chuck half the pack and buy another one.

Every time I buy a roll its like buying a lottery ticket. Will I get just 2 reds and 1 black? Will I get lucky with 6? Will my friend nick the red? The bastard.

So you open up a bit of your roll, you hope and pray as you tear the paper first gently, then more and more intently, searching desperately for that gleam of black and red.

Damn, its yellow. The next one will be black, I know it will! I can feel it in my bones. Fuck! yellow again, the next one, you’re sweating now, orange damn it! orange AGAIN!! Goddamn it!! fucking bastards-!! green fuck fuck FUCK!! yellow NO NO NO those piece of shit a******s w****s!!! yellow orange FINALLY THANK YOU GOD RED!! Yay! Joy joy joy aaaaaaaaaaaah…. and then goddamit all!! yellow again!!! f***k c***s a******s Insert more swearing here.

Proceed to chuck all the yellows.

or offer them to friends.

Thats pretty standard behavior with each purchase I’d say.

I am very glad to inform all of you,
that I have switched my sugar rush loyalties over to good ol’ Skittles.

And not just the regular Skittles [which have essentially the same issues as Rowntrees], but the new and modified ‘Tropical Skittles’. 80% are the colours are enjoyably edible.

I think there needs to be an objective sweet guide. Perhaps a tiny illustrated little booklet to be handed out at Halloween and Christmas. Perhaps in a dentists office.

This is the problem with blogging really. What a bunch of crap I have wasted 10 minutes typing eh?


9 thoughts on “Conspiracy theory numbur too

  1. dear disgruntled consumer, having read your rather ‘concerning’ remarks regarding our confectionary we at ‘rowntrees fruit gums’ would like to reassure you that there is simply no ‘conspiracy theory’ at hand regarding our sweet produce. The flavours/colours dispersed in each packet of fruit gums’ undergoes a highly technical process of selection to ensure a form of ‘impartiality’ regarding how many sumptuous ‘colours’ are included in each sachet. We at ‘rowntrees fruit gums’ would also like to share with you our company philosophy that our produce represents a subtle metaphor for life itself. For if you imagine the ‘rowntrees’ packet represents the world in which we live, and the ‘flavours’inside represent the people who inhabit this earth.’Well,You may not like all the ‘colours’, but in the end there all sweet’. We are extremely proud of this philsophy and hope it helps sway you into revising your previous remarks. And we also hope that you shall return to purchasing our juicy ‘rowntrees fruit gums’ and not ‘skittles’ which we believe to be the work of the devil. Many Thanks. Mr Too Muchtimeonhishands

  2. I think you ought to create a blog comprising only of the comments posted by you on Scritch’s blog. I’m telling you man, you’ll be famous.But one thing: you tend to ’emphasise’ too much. I ‘hate’ emphasis; it’s quite like spoonfeeding.

  3. In fact, you shouldn’t even bother making the blog yourself, the honours should be done for you.That or I’m just hyperexcited (a step above overexcitement) for I’ve been ailing all week and need to fill time as the nuages pass me by.

  4. hahahahahhhahah nicely done CCJL and yes we both have too much time. Either that or you drink too much are far too fussy when it comes to writing. i feel so wounded sniff sniff. I’m just going to go eat some worms the way I have no idea what your talking about when you say emphasize, that could either be my prolific use of caps or all the quotation marks. I’m not really sure.

  5. Eesh I wasn’t talking about you, Scritch. And no, I don’t find your work pretentious at all, or even fake for that matter!. Where did you pick that up from?The ’emphasis’ bit was directed toward your friend CCJL.

  6. we get out plenty. it just so happens that some of us arnt perpetually drunk. I just realised to my horror that firefox doesnt have spellcheck. whats the solution?

  7. of course they do. well safari has a spellcheck anyway but it keeps crashing so i figured i’d switch to firefox but that has no spellcheck and considering i cant spell this is slightly worrying.

Deranged comments preferred

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