The rules of the crit are as follows below.
Remember them all, they are important to know.
For if you do not, your death will be slow.
1. Foz is the Godking and his word is Law.
2. Never be late unless hit by a car.
3. Mobile ring-tones are blasphemy.
4. He who is vague shall be class scape-goat.
5. Not being able to explain your work is punishable by public tongue lashing.
6. If you express an opinion you can’t rationalize (and you will), saying “it appealed aesthetically” may buy some time.
7. You may only use rule No.6 a maximum of three times, anymore and your lack of real opinion will be clearly obvious.
8. Obnoxiousness is not a crime. (Well, sometimes it is)
9. Vengeful is he who you criticized earlier. Beware for thou shalt be flayed on your turn.
10. A Punch-up is both acceptable and encouraged.
11. If you feel your attention wavering and your eyes glazing over, do not be alarmed. This is completely normal.
12. Caffeine is your friend
13. So is paracetamol.
14. Stroking your chin thoughtfully is always helpful when trying to look contemplative if you’ve run out of arty things to say.
15. Running out of things to say is not unusual. Repeat what someone else said but word it differently.
Here are some common and variable comments that one can use. These may be modified accordingly. For example substitute the word ‘pigeons’ in the following statements below, with one of your own.
e.g. “Your ‘trees’ don’t really convince me.” etc…
“Your pigeons don’t really convincing me. I don’t feel that they’re pigeons”
“I really want to get inside your work and I think the scale works against it.”
“Perhaps you should work on a larger scale.”
“Perhaps you should consider working on a smaller scale.”
“I don’t feel that you’re challenging yourself enough. Would you agree?”
“I enjoy the way you’ve used rubbish as a canvas, it really changes the direction of your work.”
“I think that the change of direction in your work isn’t really working.”
“I think your work is moving in a very interesting direction.”
“I think you need to move out of your comfort zone.”
“I enjoy the way you’ve used colour. It’s very …engaging.”
“I enjoy the way you’ve used colour. It’s very …forceful.”
“I’m not convinced by the way you’ve used the colour. It’s very weak.”
“I really enjoy the mark making on this page. What do you think about that?”
“I think that some of the scribbles in this corner here are much stronger than your final pieces.”
“As a whole the page really works together.”
“As a whole this layout doesn’t convince me.”
“Now if you cropped that bit, and then if you moved that there,…and took that bit off…and added that there… really changed it completely, I think it would work much more cohesively.”
“I get the feeling from looking at some of your work that your quite bored with your painting? Do you think this is true?”
“Stylistically your work reminds me of the work of Sue Coe.”
“Stylistically your work reminds me of the work of Tom Gauld.”
“Stylistically your work reminds me of the work of David Shrigley,”
“Stylistically your work reminds me of the work of Peter Blake.”
16. “It’s nice” and “That’s cool” are not permitted comments.
17. He who leaves the crit early and ditches you to go to the pub shall have his balls slammed in a door. Hard. (Athea that bastard)