‘He’ will race horses like a pro, box like a champion, be dashingly handsome, have a vast knowledge of greek, latin and french, enjoy flower arrangements, have impeccable taste in antiques and clothes, be a close personal friend of some Royals and earn the admiration and envy of every-man in town. [but of course, he is blue blooded and loaded to boot]
In other words he must be completely unbelievable.
‘She’ is beautiful, it goes without saying. An unrealistic romance novel cannot exist with the ordinary humdrum love of two average looking porkers [as we all are].
She will be poor generally [but of course, she is blue blooded, even if it is not known at first]
She must be innocent and virtuous. [hymen intact]
He must be a reformable scoundrel with a heart of gold that only needs mending.
[has inserted his penis into every women he could find but considers them all to be whores, hence the search for the intact hymen, you see]
All female [and occasionally male] characters who get in the way of the ‘true’ romance must be killed off. [the mother, the ex-whore. the evil uncle and so on]
Oriental women are all manipulative and promiscuous.
An ugly character can never hope to be with a good-looking one. Uglies to uglies and beauties to beauties is the law.
Retarded children are a burden and must always die tragically [but very conveniently] for the couple at the end of the novel.
Such a death is considered a ‘blessing’, for a retarded child could never live happily or give happiness to others.
Swooning dramatically is never optional.
Nor is being fat.
‘He’ must carry her up a grand flight of stairs at least once per novel
Sex before marriage is unthinkable.
Children after marriage is unavoidable.
Blemishes do not exist.
No one ever goes to the loo.
I’ve been reading this shite since I was 13. No fucking wonder I can’t find Mr. Right.