I have this vague feeling of dread lately.
Maybe its the MACD mid-year show. So far Paolo has had the simplest and nicest suggestions [good food, good work, lots of booze] amongst all the insane ones of “Lets set up a huge tent in Hyde Park!! So what if we have no money or sponsors?”
Fernanda was coerced into canceling the space she had previously booked and now we don’t seem to have a confirmation on this new fabulous [it really is] space. So I feel somewhat anxious coupled with this constant and never ending guilt that I’m not working hard enough, not working fast enough, not being ambitious enough, not challenging myself enough, not producing a volume of work that competes with Anna who seems to have MOUNTAINS of work [I HATE her], not producing ideas that compete with..well whoever has a good idea [I HATE them]
There also the distant but persistent anxiety that the days are going too fast and this is my last year of student freedom and I love our class and I’ll probably be deported in September and thats fucking scaring me and can I ever find a job??? Who will ever hire me?? I cant use Indesign and Photoshop like an expert yet. I cant retouch as well as Kurt!!
Not to mention freelance income is so fickle, and the Belle Gray Boutique still hasn’t paid me
And theres this strange nagging doubt about my return home next Friday. I feel that New Years is going to be horrible, miserable and stressful and Xmas is in Hyderabad the home of the elderly. I just feel in my gut that it will all suck [I’m such an optimist].
What if I don’t do enough college work over the holidays and I come back and everyone has done loads? I should have taken design, I’d be able to get jobs easier.
There’d better be a fucking Welcome Wagon when I get off the plane [Leo and Riddhi pay attention, or you won’t be getting any fucking presents. I’m serious you bastards]