I finally decided to leave the little womb of my house, detach my ass from the garden furniture and actually go out.
Leo said he was covering some event at a new Smirnoff bar called ‘Squeeze’, he promised free booze and all the cool press privileges that came along with it.
So very excited I actually wore a skirt and my flat black boots for this bum.
He came over at about 10 and then sat around with my brother, mom and dad watching some generic, entirely predictable sitcom.
My family has never entirely mastered the concept of walking across a room to hold a conversation. We only communicate across the house, in very loud shouting matches.
I’ll yell from across the dining table,
“MOOOOOM!! WHERE’S MY TEEEEAA??”
My mom will yell from the kitchen,
“WHAT? WHAT TEA? IS THIS YOUR TEA? I DRANK IT BY ACCIDENT. EAT YOUR LUNCH!”
“I’M NOT HUNGRY. STOP FORCE FEEDING ME!”
My brother will yell from his room,
“MOM! I’M HUNGRY FOOOOOOD! WHERE IS MY KNEE BRACE?”
I’ll continue and yell
“HEY! WHO’S GOT THE CAT? WHERE IS THE CAT?”
My father will complain no one is paying him any attention while Leo sits there giggling like a moron.
“Has J gone? J?? Has she gone??”
My mom asks Leo as I’m in my loo.
The walls literally being made of tin sheets, I can hear her as if she were right in the loo, which doesn’t help me pee any quicker.
“HOW CAN I BE GONE MOM?? LEO IS STILL HERE, IF HE’S HERE WHY WOULD I HAVE LEFT??”
Finally, I mean finally, we are ready to leave for ‘Squeeze’.
Just as Leo puts one foot out the door Riddhi calls to say she is coming to pick us up and she’ll drop us off at her house.
Her house is no closer to ‘Squeeze’ than mine but of course the ulterior motive is to smoke in her car on the way. (That devious minx)
Leo and I get scolded for daring to make a plan that didn’t include her.
“You guys obviously don’t love me as much as you said yesterday!! ALL LIES! Why didn’t you tell me your plan?? And fucking pick up your phone BITCH!”
“Dude! You said and I quote ‘Haan so you guys I won’t see you until you come back from Hyderabad or if your going for H.’s party on Friday so bye I’m damn busy tomorrow’.
Anyway come with us now babies, come on it’ll be fun. A party isn’t the same without you, we love you, come on man”
(This woman demands major bhav)
“No way dude, I’m too tired anyway I hate Squeeze and besides I shall never forgive you for not telling me about this plan.”
Such a drama queen.
I have realised that Leo has no fucking press privileges. I was so disillusioned.
Squeeze decor was entirely red and black with bamboo featuring some third-rate Photoshop artwork mounted on light-boxes (also in red). Some guy called Raghav was performing anglo-desi pop to a mini group of cheering girls and boys.
Leo tried to go upstairs but rebuffed by the security person or some PR person. He then grudgingly spoke to the PR lady but still couldn’t get upstairs OR score any free booze.
Somewhat defeated, we bought 2 very expensive drinks and parked our loser behinds on a bench outside (not even inside) oogling (what a great word, almost onomatopoeic) at any cuties going by.
Within 40 minutes or less Leo and I were back home sitting in the garden.