Thursday Crit no. 3, Foz & Niki Barker’s Lecture

Goddess Crop 2 A5 Goddess Crop 1 A5

The lecturer sat on the table, cross-legged, with no shoes on, a trendy blond hair haircut, over sized glass jewelry glinting and I must say, as an older woman she was quite a hottie.

She mentioned to my utter joy that as far as her work went having kids kind of messed things up, but added quickly she quite liked them really…sometimes. (ha ha hah!)

Foz covered his eyes and said in response

“Oh I’m going to cry.”

I’m not quite sure why but hey I’m just recording. I kind of sympathise. The ex right now is giving me no end of hell about my work load.

Trying to explain that this is essentially exam time and I need to work on weekends and no I can’t take days and days off to fuck off (the ex had 4-5 days holiday) because I have only 4 weeks until hand in (SHIT SHIT SHIT) and I’m running up and down to her place all the time and trying to make sure the ex isn’t alone and still trying to keep up my work load and I don’t, can’t, will never understand how artists who have kids ever manage.

I am so tired.

I just can’t deal with another one of those arguments you’re always working you never spend time with me, I can’t be at yours cause you draw all the time why can’t you draw at my place BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TABLE BIG ENOUGH WHERE CAN I WORK ??? You can never go on holiday with me I’M A STUDENT THAT’S WHY!!! I HAVE NO FUCKING INCOME!! YOU EARN A BUCKET LOAD A YEAR!!

I mean last year over the summer I had fuck all to do and had shit loads of free time but no I was dumped its not my fucking problem. I need to draw.

Well side stepping from that small rant and getting back to the lecture….where the hell was I?

She was talking very honestly about her work and that combined with the slides stalling, slides being upside down and the machine suddenly making very loud, frightening noises, entirely entertaining.

She had a lot of nighties and dresses which she had pissed on, bled on (now that’s dedication) and stitched horse hair to the crotches. She happily explained

“Well…the horse hair……you know when you’re in the shower and looking down…..”

Everybody giggles

“… and I don’t know, especially girls and you haven’t trimmed it in a while and just think its grown just so long… know….it just looks like a horses tail….”

and the entire class cracks up.

Foz reprimands the class and the second years in particular, for failing to attend Tim Mars’s lecture (what a great name…”Tim Mars! Illustrator to the Rescue!”) and Hannah’s life drawing on Monday.

The first years immediately grovel miserably..

“We’re so so sorry! My grandmother died! My dog had a stroke! I broke both my legs *sob* ! I really couldn’t come to the lecture or life drawing….”

He has them so well-trained already. I love it.

I vaguely heard him magnanimously forgiving them while laying the blame entirely at the door of us second years.

I might mock the first years being house-broken and potty-trained but had I signed up for Hannah’s class I’d probably have groveled miserably too (I’ve been broken in for ages now).

He said she thought the low attendance was because she didn’t have a good class and I feel sort of bad, but life drawing right now is (for me) not relevant at all and not a good use of time.

We had an excellently speedy crit. Time keeping was strictly adhered to.

Not because previously we’d gone on for ages and ages, no no…

Not because some people talk too much about their own work instead of just letting people give them feedback and end up screw up everyone else’s time, no no indeed…

But because Foz’s insisted his wife would chop off his legs/balls if he didn’t finish by 5:20pm.


and I thought I got stick from the ex about last last weeks extra long crit.

I wish Foz’s wife would say this to him every week.



Deranged comments preferred

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