Our Last Crit

Simeon & Mike the resident siamese.

I type this post as I return from the pub following our very last crit. Whiskey and pre-joint tension fueling me on.

It has been a momentous day. A day on which I finally discovered religion.

“Hah!” you say as I hear you scoff my sudden new found faith in the Zoroastrian gods, but it is no lie.

I have finally found Ahura-Muzda. Zarathustra be praised!

Sleep deprived and clumsy from last nights marathon Indesign editing session into the early hours of the morning, I split an entire cup of mocha on a studio table. A very large, very hot mug.

This in itself would be nothing had our studio tables not been filled with every body’s work made with sweat, blood and tears.

Simeon’s work that was near by unfortunately…merged with this as yet unsampled mocha.

Before my eyes flashed hideous images of my ruining Simeon’s entire body of work over a whole year, at the very eleventh hour! That’s 12 months, 365 days 52 weeks!! OH MY GOD!!!

Foz, should he read this, and I have a bad feeling that he just might, will perhaps strangle me next week for such wretched stupidity. (Or worse, fail me)

Thank god Simeon’s work was largely waterproof. I plan on going to the Agyari regularly now.

Ed ‘Gang-Bang’ Allan and Adam ‘United’ Brickles came to the rescue and we salvaged and repaired like mad.

Simeon was very kind, very polite and seemed to be forgiving, but I know from experience that he will not forget this.

I have often bitched about my legendary nemesis who left coffee stains on one of my drawings. This event took place nearly 8 years ago on a drawing I now couldn’t give a shit about, but neither my hatred nor anger towards her have been disseminated in the slightest.

In an ironic twist of fate I have now become a ‘Zasha’. (That evil woman I hate her.)

The rest of the day and crit was slightly tainted by both a sickening nausea and horrible guilt. Even Alex’s crit which I was looking forward to (purely because I’m a such mean sadistic bitch who loves gossip) was ruined.

To add insult to injury Simeon later asked me

“You didn’t do it on purpose…did you?”


Sigh. It was a difficult day all in all.

Foz swore, promised faithfully, that no matter what we would be done and dusted by 5 o clock, he said confidently.

If I had any business sense at all I’d have laid a 10 pound bet on it. Sadly I am entirely left brain impaired, a superb reason why I chose to do illustration instead of, oh I don’t know, accounting.

Our crit mostly covered the same ground we hashed out last week (frames, whats in the show whats out, what works, what doesn’t, various arrangements and layouts etc) which was all slightly tedious and repetitive.

Occasionally Foz and Gary would contradict themselves by saying:

“Well what you put up in your show is entirely your decision, we wont make up your mind for you.”

followed by

“Yeah that one’s rubbish it cant go in.”

followed by

“The show is entirely your shout. You need to do what you feel works for you. I can honestly tell you that you’d really regret it later when you’re putting your feet up, and your show was for me and Gary and what we had said and wasn’t what you really wanted….”

followed by

“….if you put that in it would be the wrong decision, it’s your shout….. but basically, you’re wrong (p s- we’re marking you).”

Gossip was flying around like crazy last week when Georgina finally put to use the stethoscope she bought for a fiver and overheard Foz telling Alex

“…it is my right to decide if you go in the show, and at this point, unless you work flat out next week, its a 99.9% chance that you’re not going to be in the show….”

That 0.1% was finally confirmed today in a horrific 10 minutes when Alex plonked this 4 spray painted MDF boards on the table followed by a chilling dead silence that can never bode too well for any artist.

What you want to hear and what you dream of hearing is

“Ooooooooooooooh!!” followed by “Waaaoooow!”

and then lots of sycophantic compliments.

Foz ends the day with a little speech about the end of our MA year and how it’s been a good laugh, prompting a selection of girls to burst into tears immediately. This was an apt closing note.

The first time I ever met Foz he made someone cry and on our very last crit he made people cry. So we come full circle.
I must admit I shall miss his charming ruthlessness.

(Foz if you are reading this, it is a blatant cue for you to comment, see what a shameless comment whore I am? Shocking really.)

We then all trundled off gratefully to the pub with Martyn’s ex tutor (also Foz’s ex flat mate) who was restrained enough not to tell us all the juicy tidbits about living with Foz. (Damn that Ed and his tact).

Athier joins us in the pub briefly. Well done Athier, you actually made it through an entire crit.

Uhr confided in me as we sat around drinking and chain-smoking, that my latest drawing made him feel like throwing up. He confessed didn’t want to tell me earlier because he knew it would make me too happy (and it does, it really does.).

Bruna told me I actually put her off having kids. If I’ve achieved anything at all these past 2 years, it’s that.

And now I’m left here, no more crits, no more M.A., no job, no dinner, typing away on the only thing that remains – This useless blog.

That’s it from me. Adieu and Goodnight to you all.


15 thoughts on “Our Last Crit

  1. “my legendary nemesis”? fuck, what a dramaqueen.Talking of which, Riddhi’s going to Bangalore tomorrow to see (oh boy) Aerosmith.

  2. everybody needs at least one nemesis and Zasha is mine. your just jealous i even have one.I have quite a few actually. but shes one of the few who’s lasted so well what with her being such a first rate cow.and i AM a drama queen. I love drama. but yesterdays coffee incident was quite bad. i feel as though any moment simeon is going to wake up and beat the crap out of me.

  3. Ahah! Foz’s ex-flat mate was actually full of anecdotal ephemera. Unfortuately you were at the wrong end of the table and my memory isn’t as sharp as yours so this information could have now been lost to the ether. However I do recall snippets which include breaking into the screen-printing department, bribing security with beer and the unsuccessful elimination of rodents “one of the eye’s popped out…”. Incidentally, I feel that the MA is far from over (how positive of me) and I’m certain that the next couple of weeks will continue to provide some form of wretched entertainment. In fact, today, I may fall through a sheet of glass for the hell of it.

  4. i have a feeling that if anyone falls through a sheet of glass it will be me. I’ve already dropped a frame that luckily didn’t break.no your right the next few weeks are still left but its only the dregs of the MA really. all the juice is gone. *wail sob sob sniff sniff*

  5. stop snivelling woman. you’ve been slacking off for six years. it’s about fucking time you were forced to join the real world, which as you will soon find out, sucks. but the rest of us have to deal with it. there’s no good reason why you shouldn’t. maybe you can do a phd? that’ll take another five or six years easy.

  6. sob NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo i cant i just cant do it. i’m in denial i dont believe in the real world. i need a sugar daddy who can sponsor my doing the MACD again. i love that both leo and the voice of bedford are commenting together. its so fitting. have i introduced you 2?

  7. Hello! So happy to be commenting for the first time here! Anyway, so it seems unpolluted air has become hard to come by. Until things get better, could you please be a dear and just shut your mouth? Yeah you really have nothing to say that’s of any interest. Thanks a bunch!

  8. hahaha! my 2nd ever hate mail! excellent. although the first one was much more succinct and less incoherent.secondly, you do realize that my mouth has nothing to do with typing don’t you?

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