The Ivy on Thursday

Lecture by Simon Stern, the ‘master’ of copy right law, all day in the photography dungeon.

By about 4 o clock my eyes had glazed over and all attempts at concentration had flown out the door. Chris was doodling two faces in his note-book, Foz was doodling a naked woman with very hairy breasts (setting the standard). It was all very nostalgic, like being back in school again.

The lecture was excellent. Every time Mr. Stern dropped his cane he would yell loudly, “FUCK!” or “BUGGER!”. We finally finished at 4:30 and once Simon Stern was far away we all stand around admiring Foz’s scribbles of hairy breasts.

Yes it was a fine lecture, but I’m not going to talk about it. This post is entirely an excuse to gossip about the filthy things we were discussing in the pub.

We attend the Jigsaw photography mini exhibition in the dungeon. It wasn’t hugely impressive but free beer is a wonderful lure. The ‘artwork’ is largely ignored except by occasionally saying,

“Why the fuck did that one win?”

We are thrown out eventually and go to the Ivy to continue. Fer gives me a pill which combined with the beer makes me talk very fast for about 10 minutes but by the time we get tot the pub I’m feeling quite high and serene.

“Anna…”

I say,

“I’m feeling quite high.”

and Anna laughs at me.

Luckily in about 15 minutes all of this wears off and I’m relatively sober again.

Lord Foster Vader has finally seduced Dan (photography tutor) to the dark side. Dan has abandoned all his old photo buddies so that he can snuggle up next to Foz in the pub (so cute).

There is great strength in the power of the dark side (illustration). Young Dan has yet much to learn.

Some first years nearby try talking to Foz at some point and Fernanda is immediately green with jealousy that for one moment his attention is taken from us (her).

“Why are they talking to him! Its our year! We are graduating! I’m going to tell them…..”

“What do you mean no?? Don’t tell me no!! You are pissing me off! I’m telling them….”

“HEY YOU! THIS IS OUR TUTOR… HE’S OURS!! YOU CAN”T TALK TO HIM. HE’S OURS!”

“NO. NO! WE ARE GRADUATING UNTIL THEN YOU CANT TALK TO HIM OK?”

“NO. NO! DON’T YOU TALK TO HIM!!”

…all the while keep a vice like grip around his shoulders. He looked slightly bashful and embarrassed. He’s going to have to teach those first years in a few months and they won’t be too happy about all the previous territorial pissing around him.

Anna and Georgina and I giggle and try to pretend we don’t really know Fer, we just always happen to be seated on the same table. Purely coincidental. (Although, I secretly think its adorable the way she’s so possessive and passionate about Foz. That aside, she is fucking mental.)

Foz tries to escape Fernanda by jumping over the bench but knocks over a couple of glasses that shatter predictably. Everyone applauds. Foz blushes like a little girl.

Since the course is now over I have not the slightest care for any sense of restraint. I mentioned a passing thought that had occurred to me during a bored and sexually frustrated moment: I claimed (and still claim) that Geoff is so bumbling, so helpless, so completely loony that I’m convinced it’s a merely an elaborate facade masking the soul of a sexual dynamo.

Anna and Fernanda yell at me for such a blasphemy. Geoff?? No, no not Geoff! (Geoff is about 70 and bananas)

Anna says with her fingers pressing her temples,

“Janine I always thought you were mad but mostly made sense…I’ve lost all respect for you now…Geoff? Seriously not Geoff???”

“Noooooooo oh my god it’s just so sick, noooooooooooo you don’t underrrrrstand its sick! Tutors cant be sexual they are like gods! (tutors are gods?? and she calls me sick) It’s so wrong you are sick Janeeeeen oh mah god! Noooooo You don’t understand I’m going to need so much therapy what are you saying? Who’s going to pay for my therapy woman??

This leads into everyone discussing their sexual fantasies and I’m sure once the pub staff threw us out and started to clear up 2-3 hours later, all our seats were rather moist. (ew)

Eoughan announces that his ultimate fantasy is Val throwing him down on the bed, having her wicked way with him (Val doesn’t like him at all so this makes it even better) as Geoff bangs away on the door saying

“Please, please just let me in the office, Janine is right behind me!!”

Foz would be hiding under the bed taking notes while Dan moans in the next room “I can’t sleep… you guys are making so much noise…whine whine”

Hats off to Eoghan, that fantasy will be etched into my mind for all time. I’m certain his Catholic god will send him straight down to the fiery brimstone of hell for that.

Dan and Foz start telling us about how they stroke each other thighs during long, tedious course committee meetings. They’ve become lovers they say, Foz lounging on the bench in a macho, casual way while Dan gazes at him adoringly (it’s true, he really was).

This gay joke runs through our entire evening in the pub with Foz looking very smug about it (and his new toy boy acquisition). I must admit, there’s something I really enjoy about 2 straight men acting supremely gay. It’s just so naughty.

Fernanda will never again be able to think of the tutors in a wholesome, god like way ever again and neither will I.

The conversation really goes further downhill from here. Should I type any more of it I’m afraid that the keyboard and certain body parts might erupt in flames.

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