The Confusing Art of Seduction

I was discussing this with someone [being a bit mellow at the time, I now can’t quite remember who] the other day…

I’m incapable of telling when someone is flirting with me. I miss any kind of subtlety, innuendo, mojo, vibe, subtext, undercurrent whatever you might like to call it. I’m just not capable of that level of depth of perception.

It has to get to the point where its just so ‘in your face’ thus losing any kind of appeal or being so unexpected that I’m shocked into silence [and considering how much shit I can talk that is pretty shocking].

Aside from running around trees singing I’m completely clueless.

How does one progress from friendly flirtation to seduction? How do all these millions of people do it? Its so fucking baffling. Someone needs to write us idiots [both Leo & me] some sort of manual.

I only do things in extremes:

It’s either a gentle pacing around someone for so long, densely not getting any or all of the dropped hints that one of us loses interest or we both are placed firmly in the ‘friend zone’.

Regarding the friend zone: I hate the quote “If you cant sleep with your friends who can you sleep with?” People always say that so proudly, like its some achievement but all I can think of is “Boy you probably don’t have a lot of friends left who like you very much.”

It’s seems like a really impractical theory and one I can’t fully subscribe to. The chances that things wont get messy or complicated seem slim to none. If you end up sleeping with all your friends, who do you then escape with when the people you’ve slept with have you on their warpath?

But maybe that’s just my own personal misconception. Perhaps 21st century sex is truly emotionally detached and as easy as going down to the pub for a pint. You don’t drink? Can’t smoke anymore? Fancy a quickie then?

Alternatively I end up just not doing anything because I think “There’s no chance in hell they’d be interested in me. I’ll just be humiliatingly rejected. Why bother?”

Lastly and finally, there’s the ever risky, deeply frightening sledge hammer approach. Limited flirting, no chase, no parring, no nothing, straight on approach, inevitable one night stand.

I find the morning after intensely depressing as all one nighters are. It seems less about passion or mutual interest and more like something to do to kill time.

So then one asks the questions: If you hate one night stands and are too thick to tell if someone is hitting on you and a massive coward to boot what do you ever do? Are you doomed to perpetual celibacy?

I’ve heard celibacy is very healthy. You can get a load of chores done. Apparently you focus better. See? Theres always a silver lining.

How to get from here……

……………………………………….to here


8 thoughts on “The Confusing Art of Seduction

  1. get over yourself and stop being a ‘scaredy cat’ and tell people you like them, thats what i’d do.

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