Saturday: ‘The Date’

The ex and I decided we ought to go out on a date.

So on Saturday we went to the London zoo.

The tickets were pricey, the aquarium average, the bug house shoddy, the reptile house excellent, the gorillas hugely over hyped while the big cats largely ignored.

I’m pleased and proud to state that at the zoo I smoked 3 fags even though I was out numbered 8-1 by kids from all four quarters.

We went too late to visit the petting zoo (rats). I wanted to cuddle a rabbit but was forced to settle for a sheep (albeit very cute). So like my life, always late and always settling.

Met Nikki, one of the ex’s friends at a bar in Soho and then moved on to this new gay venue sponsored by Gaydar Radio uk called ‘Principles’: A very slick, quite camp, über gay production which was like walking into an orange clone of the pink G-A-Y bar.

There were two Amazonian, transvestites standing at the bar, gleaming, glossy and sparking; Lending an air of glamour to the other wise fairly formulaic venue.

The smokers were placed outside in a velvet roped pen every time they went out for a fag. Their glasses were confiscated and replaced with plastic cups (because you see, as a smoker we’re a very dangerous lot and much more likely to start glassing one another in a nicotine deprived rage).

I made sure I blew all my smoke in through the open door.

On principle I now try and make sure I do that with all non-smokers. Pre-ban I was a most civilized smoker. I moved away, I sat downwind, I even apologized for my vice. But no more! No more Miss Nice Marlboro.

A camp Indian boy with shoulder length floppy hair (very Munt we all thought) was there with a guy sporting an ever stylish mono-brow, both dancing around gaily (no pun intended).

The dancing evolved into a pelvic grinding and thrusting,

That turned into a groping, fondling lap dance,

Which in turn mutated into a frenzied session of dry humping.

At one point Munt’s doppelgänger had both legs straddled across mono-brow’s hips and was being pumped back and forth like a piston.

The both pulled away covering their groins and complaining ‘jokingly’ about their respective hard-ons.

Really, how anyone not love a gay bar folks? Even if it is non smoking now (assholes.)

Not even poor bastard snakes can smoke in their glass prisons anymore. What kill joys. Ah well at least they've got beer. (for now, but its only a matter of time...)

Not even poor bastard snakes can smoke in their glass prisons anymore. What kill joys. Ah well at least they’ve got beer. (for now, but its only a matter of time…)

There's the bitch. Come to confiscate his fags. What a cunt.

There’s the bitch. Come to confiscate his fags. What a cunt.

No, I told you you can't smoke now. Not in front of the children. Why don't you be 'healthy' and eat some hay. Victoria Beckham said its really delicious, full of nutrients and she lost 8 stone!! See? Victoria Beckham said so.

No, I told you, you can’t smoke now. Not in front of the children. Why don’t you be ‘healthy’ and eat some hay. Victoria Beckham said it’s really delicious, full of nutrients and she lost 8 stone!! See? Victoria Beckham said so.

The fishes are agitated and annoyed to find they can't light up in so much moisture.

The fishes are agitated and annoyed to find they can’t light up in so much moisture.

"Goddammit sons of bitches!!!" They say as they empty liquid nicotine in the water.

“Goddammit sons of bitches!!!” They say as they empty liquid nicotine in the water.

We're not going to eat all this fucking green stuff. Give us some meat. And some fags. Hear that? Meat and fags you cunts.

We’re not going to eat all this fucking green stuff. Give us some meat. And some fags. Hear that? Meat and fags you cunts.

Well finally........hey!...what the fuck? Its not even properly marinated...and where's my side order?? I'm like, so complaining to Gordon Ramsay.

Well finally……..hey!…what the fuck? It’s not even properly marinated…and where’s my side order?? I’m like, so complaining to Gordon Ramsay.

And wheres my fucking Marlboros?? I'm in the fucking open air now are you fucking happy???? Where's my lighter?

And where are my fucking Marlboros?? I’m in the fucking open air now are you fucking happy???? Where’s my lighter?

I can't stand this ban. I'm taking a fucking nap. Piss off now and wake me when you've bought a pack.

I can’t stand this ban. I’m taking a fucking nap. Piss off now and wake me when you’ve bought a pack.


13 thoughts on “Saturday: ‘The Date’

  1. I meant aside from your exalted position of best friendSuch a drama queen. you really need to stop hanging out with riddhi so much. shes clearly had a massive influence on you.

  2. clearly, you’re not happy with this smoking ban thing. =P i’m almost tempted to support it, just for the fact that it’ll drive you to posts like this one.

  3. j: dont make me ban you from my blog!!??!: I dont even smoke at home, it just annoys me to be banned from smoking EVERYWHERE its the blanket ban bit that annoys me

  4. scritch, please don’t ban me. since ??! has taken the prettiest symbols of anonymity, i’d be left looking a really vile abuse – *^& or #%$ – or if i had to resort to anonymity.

  5. oh ok then. as long as you continue smoking I wont ban anyone. In fact all smokers are welcome here. thank you em clearly being irate is a blog tactic i must resort to more

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