8 Enjoyable Ways to Wind Up Academics

1. Spell things wrong, often, then refuse to correct it. Tell them their anal-retentive-academic-grammatical-nazism serves only to mask thought process and stunt creativity.

2. Use punctuation incorrectly, intentionally. (see #1). #1 & #2 can also be achieved unintentionally.

3. Cite statistics and then refuse to name your sources. Insist you need to ‘protect your source’.

4. Mention a spurious fact and say you read it online. Depending on your academic’s political leanings cite: The Times, The Independent, The Guardian, The Observer, the Metro or the Sun at your discretion.

5. Mention a spurious fact and say you read it in a book. The academic will question this so drop in a random name of some thesis. It doesn’t have to be a real thesis or even a real author. Any unnecessarily long-winded title will do. They all sound the same anyway.

Here are 3 examples: Feel free to replace any of the underlined words with others of your choice

  • Graham De.Rosso’s The Underpinnings of Finance, Inequality and Growth Nexus
  • RM Laxative’s The Politics of Sustainable Development: Analysing Exclusion at Multiple Levels in the Environmental Policy Process.
  • Kuno, K. Understanding the history of ideas underpinning continuing political oppression in [a place] using the concept of aporetic modernism

Seriously though, what the hell does ‘aporetic modernism’ even mean?

6.  If you’ve used #3, #4 & #5 more than once, the next time you cite a fact and it’s integrity is questioned, insist forcefully that you’ve researched a variety of articles, both online and offline, have been to the British library, and subsequently cross referenced and indexed all of your references. You will be happy to provide them with this information. (This is best done when at a pub so you definitely can’t provide any of this information right away and later they won’t care. They’ll just have to take your lying word for it.)

7.  Say…

“Surely there must be like, millions of thesis’ already. I mean, do we really need anymore?”

8.  Ask them to explain the Israel-Palestine conflict. (it has to be the Israel Palestine conflict, that’s by far the most aggravating one to explain). Nod and look attentive. Then ask very seriously “But why can’t we all just get along?”

(#8 is my personal favourite. It works really well, especially on Leo)



4 thoughts on “8 Enjoyable Ways to Wind Up Academics

  1. Say… “Surely there must be like, millions of thesis’ already. I mean, do we really need anymore?”

    Don’t you mean “theses”?


  2. Im totally gonna try no.8 on Leo when i meet him next.. will throw in Arundhati roy and dry days in the conversation for good measure..

  3. hah! i totally forgot arundati roy shes a good one to pick. but i wouldn’t be sure what side to pick. roy goes both ways, (that could be a tshirt slogan)
    israel-palestine is something that will not change for a while at least and is terribly irritating to explain
    also if you are just tackling leo the academic you can debate how bandra and khar are the same and andheri is not so bad.

Deranged comments preferred

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