99 Barbara Cartland’s sat on a Wall

..take one down, read it aloud. 98 Barbara Cartland’s sat on a wall.

The Love Pirate

I now own a book called ‘The Love Pirate’. Go ahead and judge me

Well, actually my count has gone up. It’s now around 120. Although that sounds like a lot, it’s barely 1/7th of the 723 or whatever she wrote.

The glow of satisfaction I derived from my initial Ebay purchases have long since evaporated. There’s only an aching sense that I’m not close enough to my vowed goal of all 700-something books. I’m chasing that high again. I’m looking for bigger better lots, I want more, I need more (teeth gritted, fist clenched).

I’ve just bought 15 more, then I bought another 8 yesterday. (A colleague at work told me I should punch myself in the face. Seriously, punch yourself.)

B.C. books have subverted my fragile young mind and totally warped my view of heterosexual romance. This is all S’s fault. She lent me a book in the 8th standard. (Which I have since bought in fact. Going straight to the source of the problem.)

The plot of this book was super lame. Forced marriage to King of fictional Euro-trash country, hates husband, kidnapping (there might have been a donkey involved in this kidnapping), hiding in cave, husband rescuing, husband is hero, then all love-dove-shove. The end.

I was hooked ever since, like on cheap crack (not that I know much about crack, but I imagine its similar to a B.C. addiction).

Leo asked me to lend him one, but I’m afraid

1.) He’ll judge me

2.) He might hurl the book out of a window, like when Amol hurled a plate out of a window (He was very angry or something. There must have been a girl involved).

3.) BC’s are like crack. You just can’t go back, or forget about it. I’m trying to protect Leo from a nasty problem. Especially since he’s supposed to be a respectable (relatively) academic.

4.) It might warp his fragile eggshell mind (as it did mine.)This post by some woman could not be more accurate. It’s also hilarious. 10 Things Barbara Cartland Taught Me About Romance

5.) On the other hand, BC’s are really politically incorrect, Leo might enjoy that. Let me sum up the wealth of my BC expertise into a few lines:

  • Women are subordinate to men.
  • They must be virgins. If they are not, they are defective and not worthy of true love.
  • Women should not work, their proper place is at home, making babies.
  • Not just a few babies, but lots of babies (pfffttt!).
  • If a woman gets raped, her bastard child will be deformed or mentally handicapped, because only ‘love children’ are good-looking. (Fact!)
  • Any mentally handicapped characters deserve to die because they get in the hero-heroines way, besides, BC rationalizes this is the best thing that can happen to a mentally handicapped person.
  • Mentally handicapped people are usually violent.

Just for these reasons I think Leo should read one. (The Secret Fear, I think was the most offensive BC book I’ve read so far.)

This guy (below) on eBay is clearly a joker, preying on crack-addicted, cheap romance novel junkies.

All we want is love, and all we get is stones and eBay jokers. Mocking us.

Look at the price he’s hocking his book for! (£50,000 but P&P is Free. Fool). I have it already. Hah. So there. Screw him


I have some collection issues. I have over the years started and given up various collections. When I’m in the grip of a collection fever (as I am now), I lose all sense of perspective. I started my eBay bidding thinking

“No way will I pay more than 50p per book! Who do these people think they are?? I am so not buying that shit for £0.99! Whatever!”

Now I see a book – “Hmmmmm… only £2.00 a book? I’ll have it! And that one and that one and that one!”

Just to clarify, for a B.C. £2.00 is beyond ridiculous. That’s more than a beer. The books are actually not worth more than £0.10. Slap myself.

I think the collecting bug may be genetic or at least parent influenced because my mother also has had collections of various items over the years. I have photo documented (in part) and listed these below.

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My Mother:

  1. Cats (real cats, we have about 5/6. Although a few have died or disappeared recently)
  2. Cats (silver cats, glass cats, cat mugs, cat photo frames, cat garden ornaments, so on)
  3. Piggy Banks
  4. Hats
  5. Walking Sticks
  6. Masks
  7. Pipes
  8. Stamps
  9. Decorative wall plates (on going)
  10. Magnets (on going)
  11. Glass bottles (on and off, various kinds)
  12. Clay, figurative wall hangings (on and off)
  13. Those indian paintings with loads of gold and jewel-work (over I think)
  14. Etchings (on and off, there’s a great one of a tiger running off with a baby. Its called a Tragic Event)
  15. Scrunchies (I found an entire drawer of scrunchies. One was designed to look like hair. Seriously.)
  16. Matchboxes (not any more)

Mine: (Don’t have any photos)

  1. Stones (not anymore)
  2. Broaches (on and off)
  3. Headbands (on going until I grow better hair)
  4. Things that are red
  5. Victorian Photographs (on hold)
  6. Postcards (on going)
  7. Comics (temporarily on hold)
  8. Book Art Books (on hold, on and off)
  9. Stamps (on and off)
  10. Barbara Cartland’s (on going)
  11. Agatha Christie (recently but probably no more)

A few interesting links:

10 Things Barbara Cartland Taught Me About Romance: A truer word has never been written.

Love changes everything: The men picking up Barbara Cartland’s baton: I like to be inclusive

Barbara Cartland Book Cover Art Blog: Francis Marshall covers are the only ones I really like, he has this effortless sketchy style (The Love Pirate might be one of his). All his women look mentally handicapped. They have big doe eyes and are usually swooning. I like that.

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6 thoughts on “99 Barbara Cartland’s sat on a Wall

  1. Ohhhhh are these primitive smut?! I thought she was like…. Poirot or midsummer murders!! Can
    I borrow one? Is there good sex? I have another traumatising sex story for you… X

  2. Actually have I ever shared traumatising sex stories with you or just relationship nightmares..? I forger which friends get what…. Also I may have a serious lesbian crush. All very interesting… X

  3. ooo gossip! and no you havent! you must tell me. tell me everything!
    and gosh there’s no sex in BC books! the book ends where sex begins.
    only kissing and swooning is allowed. they’re like hindi movies.

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