How to play poker with Indians

Indian Queen of Hearts

Playing poker is a tricky business for a newbie (or a noob for the more geek savvy). There are all these arbitrary rules, strange codes, things called ‘flops’. It’s a complex game to say the least.

And playing poker with Indians can be even more disorienting. However once you get used to the organized chaos, it’s both entertaining and liberating. Here are a few step-by-step guidelines to make sure you are well prepared in the future and blend in as a legit Indian poker player :-

1.) Shout very loudly, all the time. The person who shouts the loudest will also, by default, win any discussion. (This is usually Riddhi)

2.) All rounds and game-play must be discussed and re-discussed before an individual plays a card.

“Aare who’s turn is it?”

“It’s your turn.”

“No its MY turn. IT’S MY TURN!!!”

“Aare so play no already??”

“What’s the flop??? I’m thinking!”

“Fuck you tick tick ten now. You can’t take so long!”

and so on…

3.) Any hand won is dissected, discussed and debated. (Please remember point #1 is a constant)

“Who won? YOU won?”

“You didn’t win”

“He won!”

“How did you win??”

“Where are the cards?”

“WHOSE CARDS ARE THESE? GUYS!!!”

“Where are the cards dude?? Have they got mixed up??”

“These are not the cards”

“They are”

“NO man!”

“All the cards are messed!! RE-DEAL RE-DEAL!”

and so on…

4.) There is no ‘poker face’. Indians display all emotions transparently.

5.) If your cards are bad: you say

“Fuck man! These cards SUCK! Dealer you are not shuffling!”

Then you fold.

6.) If your cards are good: You must smile and go

“Wow”

and immediately raise to an INSANE amount. For example; from a 2 chip raise to 12.

Then the next round, fold.

5.) Throw your chips down, very violently. (It shows commitment and your level of alcohol intake, which ought to be solid.)

6.) If people put drinks on the table yell loudly,

“NO DRINKS ON THE TABLE!! NO DRINKS ON THE TABLE!”

Even if it isn’t your house and the host has put his own drink on his own table.

7.) If you lose: Show your cards and say

“Oh no! Aare mader chod…”

8.) And lastly if you happen to win, say:

“YAY!! OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHAH I WON!!! HAHAHAH I’M SO HAPPY FUCK YOU ALL!!”

This is the only way people should play poker.

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