I actually feel sick to my stomach. I’m so upset.
I thought that writing about it incoherently would calm me down but I just started crying by the end of this post.
I had to leave the ex’s flat on Friday and stay at a friends for a little while.
I vaguely remember packing my moleskin in a zipper in my suitcase. Just as I was leaving work I tried repacking that zipper.
I can’t believe I wouldn’t notice if my sketch book just fell out of my suitcase.
Would I not notice? Would I??? I don’t know anymore.
When I got to my friends flat I couldn’t find it. I thought it must be in the Home flat.
I just got in a checked in all the places it could be and one by one, each was a small but crushing disappointment.
Searches always start at the most probable places and end in desperation at the most ludicrous.
The art case
The art bag
The coffee table
The TV table
In the massive art case
The other drawer
Under the books
Behind the laundry
Under the couch
In the kitchen
In the loo
It’s not here, it’s not here, it’s not here!
Where is it??
I’m sure it had my name and address on the front of the book, but I’m no longer certain if anything.
Please please let me have put my phone number on it, and if it is on there why hasn’t anyone called me yet its been 4 days??
If it didn’t have a number would they post it? Would they hand it in to reception if it was lost at work? I will check reception tomorrow. Would the finder of my sketch book just bin it and not give a crap? I can’t believe anyone would do that but it has no value to anyone except me.
Where is it??? Why haven’t I found it?? The suitcase isn’t so big that it could hide!!! Maybe I haven’t checked enough, maybe I havent looked everywhere. Maybe it’s already in the post. Maybe I should just give up.
I’m having a mental breakdown…
The stress of losing things makes you doubt every fragment of memory you can conjure up about that object.
Every idea seems dubious, every thing you did up until that last moment that you had the lost item is scrutinized. Until the beloved object has been found, everything seems suspect.
All my drawings gone. It was nearly full. I’m relieved I scanned them recently. Although some of the PSD files seem to be missing.
So fuck again. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!
But high res Jpgs are better than nothing I guess. Small mercies.
I had a vivid dream last night that I found it but both the number and address on the opening page were seriously out of date. I was angry with myself in the dream for not updating it. I woke up thinking it was true.
Found it! It had slipped inside the lining in my suitcase. Whew! Close call.
Added my phone number AND email address to the front page, under the address.