Breeders On A Plane

If you are a long time breeder, or even recent breeder, please look away now. I would also like to remind you that I shall never be breeding nor will I ever be responsible for a child. You have been warned.

At long last, I’m in Bombay.

Remind me never to fly Kingfisher again. Frankly if it wasn’t for their generous baggage allowance (40kg) I would never fly Kingfisher. (The entire collection of vintage Agatha Christie’s I bought in a job lot were transported home with ease.)

The start of the flight wasn’t the most auspicious.

It was clear the company had no money. (I’m not sure what’s going on, but basically they might be going bankrupt.) Even in First Class, the seats were scuffed and grotty. Everything looked old and tired and worn.

There were no little packs of toothbrush/ paste/ socks/ eye mask. Not even any peanuts! (Yes. An outrage). This is budget long-haul travel, and the price of the ticket was certainly not budget (£850 return).

To make matters worse, significantly worse, there was a child on board. A crying child. In fact there were two crying children on board.

The first was a fairly hum-drum crying child. Nothing special. It whimpered and gave out short, sharp, high-pitched sonic shrieks in bursts at random intervals. Like morse code. This was tolerable. I pitied its hapless parents and put on my iPod. If I can’t hear it, a crying baby rarely troubles me except for the rare, odd pang of pity for its creators.

However, (to my horror and irritation) the loudest volume setting did very little to drown out the sound of this second child.

It made the shrillest, vilest, most piercing noise at the top of its lungs. The noise was continuous and unabating. It had unusual stamina and lungs that never seemed to be the least likely to tire.

That’s when I realised I was dealing with no ordinary child. This was a devil child.

(I really don’t know why breeders travel with noisy offspring. I’m sorry (not really) but why should their non-use of contraception be inflicted on other weary travelers? Or at least, why can’t they get placed in a separate section that’s sound proofed? Like a small insulated pod somewhere near the loo?)

As you know, I have no maternal instincts, but I actually surprised myself by how much violence and rage this devil child inspired in me.

For about 10 minutes of this shocking shrieking I indulged in mere flights of fantasy:

  • Visions of the baby falling helplessly from 20,000 feet…
  • It’s cherubic, chubby, legs poking out from the airplane loo, as it is unceremoniously flushed down. Preferably by its own parent. More poetic.

As time wore on and it’s noise only grew more insistent, these fantasies turned into vague delusions of what a plastic bag would look like over its head. (I know that’s wrong. I just want to point that out. Besides, the clear ziplock I picked up at security had a big hole in it. It wouldn’t have worked.)

After 30 minutes, I was gritting my teeth, rolling my eyes and directing muttered curses at its mother who was really the source of the problem. She brought the abomination on the plane and then didn’t even have the decency to drug it. (Seriously, some brandy, a little opium, laudanum, anything, by god!)

I began to sympathize deeply with those babysitters and exhausted parents who shake their babies violently. It seems like a perfectly understandable thing to do.

To my utter relief as soon as we took off, the devil baby was silenced. (I don’t know how, nor do I care.) And it remained silenced for nearly 9 hours! It was a Christmas Miracle!

Someone did a giant poo in one of the loos and vomited in the sink. Neither worked.

I think it might have been the devil baby.

I wonder what the return flight will be like.


15 thoughts on “Breeders On A Plane

  1. Hilarious!!! I can only imagine the anguish of the parents (I too am child free). My most challenging experience was a red eye from LA to Ottawa where the choir master (devil child) started a symphony (many devilish children!!!). The challenge was made worse by the fact that the plane was packed beyond belief as it was Christmas, and that I had already been flying from the other side of the world (Australia) and was rather exhaused!!! Ahhhh….the joy!!!! Too bad that was just before my first iPod!! I was hoping to sleep!

  2. Tsk, tsk. How long were you stuck on the runway? But see, you had nine hours of quiet on the flight. So overwrought, for nothing! You and baby both had a swell time of it.

    Tho I’m sorry about the turd and the puke. Probably not the baby’s doing.

    I hope you’ve upgraded to better hearing tolls than came with your ipod? Those things are very ear-damaging, not only because of volume but specifically how they handle frequencies– even when you can hear convos the sound is damaging some of your hearing frequencies.

    Get some nice headphones. Plus, mp3s suck. Damn futurity!

  3. Anita Mac – Your story is terrifying. My flight was not such a hell. I don’t know how you managed.

    Lucius – Runway an hour nearly. But yes the 8 other hours or so were relatively peaceful. Child 1 and 2 occasionally pipped up, but nothing to complain about. The mothers have my grudging sympathy, I suppose.

    I’m suspicious about the vomit. It had a babyish quality to it. ick. Lets not discuss.

    You worry me about the deafness. I am getting slightly deaf. hmmmm

    Well at least I stopped listening to lady gaga teeth. I dont know how i liked that song. Thats the problem with Gaga. For 5 seconds you think it sounds good, later its just so flat.

  4. Well, I’ll pray for your ears. Life without music would be . . .

    What’s this about Agatha Christie? I just discovered this week that, for the 1st time ever (in America, anyway), her whole back catalog has been united under one imprint. All my life it’s been broken up over three or more publishers.

    So now the mystery aisles are groaning with these lustrous trade paperbacks from HarperCollins, with spines like Easter eggs. If I were twelve years old I would be creaming my pants right now. I was so fanatical.

    I once had to carry a boxed set of The Lord of the Rings on a walk in the woods because I was so fanatically in love with the pearescent spines. I never even finished reading The Hobbit, that’s how gay I am.

  5. (Pearlescent, sorry!) –But yes, I *did* read Agatha Christie; though a lot of times I broke down and read the last page and ruined it. That’s so weird, really.

    But now I’d like to read them as an adult. Esp. Miss Marple. And I’ve probably forgotten who all the killers were in the ones I cheated on; though I can never forget how I figured out, like, everything about 4:50 to Paddington/What Mrs. McGillicudie Saw. The murderer, the M.O., everything.

    So are you carrying eighty mystery novels to keep you occupied?!

  6. OMG laughing so hard i have tears rolling down my face. Theres nothing MORE annoying than loud noisy kids on planes. People with babies should just not fly till their kids are old enough to sit in one place and not be noisy.

    (I’m sorry is that was too harsh :O)

  7. Lucius – If you like Miss Marple thats what you should be using to describe your gayness instead of the Hobbit. Much more apt.

    I’m so gay I can only like Poirot.

    I bought 68 vintage books from an online auction in one fell swoop, just on a whim. I brought them back because I have no space where I am in London and moving with books is really tiresome.
    This was one of my favourites – the pre-politically correct cover.

  8. They ban kids from the opera. Why not from planes?
    I used to fantasize getting a kid-ban passed on a plane… Then I went over to ….
    The Dark Side.

    Let me say that just because the kid is yours (for me at least) doesn’t make the noise more tolerable. But I do want to see my parents before the little guy is ten! :/ Anyway, I’m lucky My kid is quiet on planes. He doesn’t have a piercing, annoying caterwaul.
    If he did, I might just have to put him in a sack, throw him in the river and start over 😀 (I hope everyone sees with the emoticon that that’s just a sick little joke. Ha! Ha!)
    But I am sorry to hear about your torture. : ( Kids on planes truly do suck. (And the vomit. Devil baby, indeed.)

    • That’s why your similar, but exactly opposite post cracked me up.

      I am usually fairly tolerant. this child had something special. It’s going to be the next Aretha-Aguirela-Celine Dion I’m sure.

      But i really do think they need a secluded pod area for the baby people. I don’t understand why they don’t. Everyone would be happy. Baby people wouldn’t have enraged neighbors and enraged neighbors would be less enraged.

Deranged comments preferred

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s