Watercolours And Spam – An Unlikely Combo. Like Surf And Turf.

I enjoy watching spam evolve as old versions of the same grift go out of date.

The whole Nigerian Prince thing is clearly not getting these guys any love.

So now I get random emails from sober sounding names like ‘Joanne Pasqualle’ or ‘ ‘Alison’.

Sometimes they almost look legitimate.

“I need a man’s shoulder! Contact me… please”

My god. What’s she going to do with his shoulder?

Subject: I am positive I! know you! And I have some hot stuff for you. Check out my recent hot photos

Aren’t you the handsome honey with whom we had the most gripping day some time ago?
Remember, I was afraid of swimming in the river and you told me I’d be fine and we had a good time together?
You were single then and I had a jerk of a boyfriend.
We split up long ago and I am free now.
Welcome to my online profile with kinky photos and contact me right now!

See, I really don’t know what penis would fall for this. It’s not like someone reading this would just happen to have had a one-nighter with someone swimming in a river (where the hell is this set anyway?)

“Well I don’t think I ever lived near a river but…hey! she sounds ‘friendly’ I’ll contact her!”

That really can’t be that likely…can it?

From: Rock, Subject: Passionate stud is looked for for a babe romp!

Hello there, well-hung dude! We are wanting a stunningly hot dude
to entertain hens one of these evenings. We are going to a restricted birthday party
and you’ll be the only stud allowed! Join our party

The title of the email and the contents seem rather conflicting. Is the email from a passionate stud looking for-for a babe to romp with? Or is it for a stunning hot dude looking for romping babes? I’m so confused.

I still recollect you from that fascinating day we spent together.
Do you keep in mind how stunning and fantastic it was?
I still have pics in my profile where I have on that stylish black dress.
It was the best time ever n vivid, passionate and carefree.
Come on, see my profile and you will remember every detail. Write me asap!

This one doesn’t even specify what happened on this stunning and fascinating day. It was fascinating. You were fascinated. I was fascinated. It was all stunning. Don’t ask me any more questions, just read the words hot hot sex big penis and reply me asap!

I happened to glance at a friend’s email this one time (…at band camp. Sorry I had to say it. It was in my brain) and it was from a legitimate person they had bonked, who wrote exactly like a spam-bot.

“Lets have sex. You are hot.”

That was pretty much all that was in the email. At the time I was kind of stunned but only now has it dawned on me that this person should really move to Nigeria. They are really wasting their talent and eloquence here.

“Hi, sweetheart.

My name is Allison Howard. I work as a sells manager in a big firm. And now I am looking for intelligent, not silly fellow to chat with some continuation.

I liked your photos and private information about you. That’s why I had an idea to write you. I always sex hungered but I don’t fuck with everyone but only with guys who could impress me. So, you could invite me to go to theatre if you like me too. I wait a message from you, darling?”

Well I’m no silly fellow!  I can chat with continuation (about hungry sex, intelligently even, sure why not.)

I love that ‘big firm’ is left vague. – Just a ‘big firm’. Don’t worry about it. It’s a big firm, I make big money. No problem.

What’s the name of the firm? Oh uh its just called … firm. Big…firm. Look I said don’t worry about it ok?

Anyway I haven’t posted any work up in a while because I’ve been so in love with my camera, I’ve not bothered to scan some new drawings (or finish them up as I promised myself I would! Why??? God why do I procrastinate so much?? Come on! Finish shit!)

Ok pep talk over.

Here is the drawing.

I like to scan the final pencil sketches – in case I botch it up, then I can just print out the sketch and start over.

17th Century Lady Pencil

17th Century Lady Pencil

I bought a small box of water colours the other day for this job I just got. I detest watercolours. They never do what I tell them to. I seriously think I need to stick to dry mediums or acrylic but I really feel this urge to do soft, beautiful watercolours, of cute adorable characters like everyone else is on the internet.

In any case, I’m trying a few test water-colour runs before I tackle the paid job. This was one of them.

I don’t know if I like the colour of her dress or the way the water-colour hasn’t blended nicely. Ugh.

I’m mostly happy with the green bits. Except it turned out to be a rather virulent shade of unnatural green. (But I rather like it still)

I might work her over with a ball-pen. I’m far too controlling for water-colour.

17th Century Lady Watercolour.

17th Century Lady Watercolour.

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22 thoughts on “Watercolours And Spam – An Unlikely Combo. Like Surf And Turf.

  1. Oh how you do make me laugh!
    My mother in law is a water colour artist – and how odd is this? Not only does she receive this type of spam constantly in her e mail but has for the past two years gotten it to her home address from a genuine Nigerian lawyer who has Esq. after his initials and surname! She’s inherited a fortune in pound stirling but has to first pay some money so that the transfers can be expediently executed.
    Watercolours and Spam – who woulda thunk it?

    • Everyone on the internet can paint with watercolours. I don’t know why I’ve never taken to the medium. Argh. Its so aggravating.

      I think water-colour pencils are as far as I can go with water colour.

      I hope your mom didn’t fall for that Nigerian lawyer. They would be convincing if they could spell properly.

      • That’s just the argument she put forward – ‘surely a lawyer can spell better than that?’ she said 🙂

        Watercolour shmawtercolour! You’re super great in the other mediums of your choice expressing your bold and bright self. It’s real tricky to be wishy washy if it’s not part of your scope.

  2. Your spammers work overtime for you. I’m certain mine aren’t quite so… imaginative. Chatting with continuation — that’s a good skill to have. I also like the one in which “she” asks for a date at the theatre. Classy chick, clearly. But yes, sex-hungered is a find. Genius.

    P.S. Must admit, I like the sketch better in sketch form.

    • I know. Me too. But having a bright base does make the biro work better. So maybe once i shade it she’ll look a bit better. Crap. I ruined another one by trying to paint it. Then the biro went a bit dark.

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